A LETTER TO MY DAD

the last time we spoke was march 14, 2023.

your silence makes me wonder if you remember the last time we spoke. did you remember the date?

i sat at our last lunch wondering if you would mention my birthday coming in two days.

you never did.

it made me question if you actually remembered.

it made me question if you actually saw me.

you asked me questions to make the conversation flow but i knew you weren't actually listening.

it made me wonder if your dad made you ask yourself these same questions as you were sitting across the table from him.

when i was a little girl, you told me the reason you "are the way you are" is because your dad was emotionally absent during your childhood.

i used to understand your excuse.

i used to sympathize with your excuse.

while my heart breaks for the little boy i imagine sitting across the table from his dad, my heart also breaks for the 23-year-old girl that sat across the table from you on march 14, 2023.

my heart breaks for the 26-year-old man who last spoke to his dad at 11 years old.

my heart breaks for the children who have had to suffer without their dad due to a reason he allowed to become an excuse as to why he couldn't show up for his children.

my heart breaks for the little girl who cried waiting for her daddy to show up for his weekend visitation.

my heart breaks for the little girl who has spent countless hours trying to find the right combination of words to make her dad finally understand.

my heart breaks for the little girl who has prayed and prayed and prayed for her dad to finally just show up.

today, my heart breaks for you.

my heart breaks for all that you have chosen to miss.

my heart breaks knowing that someday you will come to the realization that all we asked for was for you to show up.

my heart breaks knowing that you have missed out on two lives that have been radically changed by your absence.

my heart breaks knowing instead of choosing to play the cards you were dealt, you chose to fold.

today, i want you to know that we are okay.

i want you to know that we decided to embrace the hand we were dealt and it has been a damn good game.