I'm told to stand. I am told that in order to stand, I must first kneel in surrender to you. But, I am terrified.
God I am scared to surrender to you, but more than that, I am scared of standing.
I have sat in this room for four days with tears streaming down my face, knowing that you are faithful in all things, but terrified of what your faithfulness will look like in this situation.
I have screamed in anger at Adam and Eve, asking "WHY DID YOU EAT THE FRUIT?"
But, I probably would've done the same thing.
I have poured over Psalms 34:18, "The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
God I know you are close because I am broken hearted and I am crushed in spirit. I know that in the midst of this pain, I see hope in your promise. I know that you are not a God without purpose, and that my tiny mind is not able to even begin to comprehend what your plans for the future hold.
God, I am lost. I am sad. I am scared. But, I know you are faithful. I know you provide. I know. And knowing sometimes makes it harder.